I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
