Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
