i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
