In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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