You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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