I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
