Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
