After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
