how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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