I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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