I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
