he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
