Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize