You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize