Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
