Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
