We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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