im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
