All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
