i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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