Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
