I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
