My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
