All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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