why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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