I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
