A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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