I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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