when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
