i already hear my dad disowning me
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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