I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
