my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize