Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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