My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
