I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
