She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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