i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Acid is not a monday night drug
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
