I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
