my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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