I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Randomize
