I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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