did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
