ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Randomize
