it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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