my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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