just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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