Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
