My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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