Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
