I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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