You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
