so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
