I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
