I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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