I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
