my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
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