you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
