my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
