that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
