We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
