I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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