i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
